


while i bloomed with flowers

by atorusu



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Death, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:15:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26866510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atorusu/pseuds/atorusu
Summary: i love you so much that it's killing me.or: hinata has hanahaki disease and nobody knows.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, later Yamaguchi Tadashi/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 12
Kudos: 117





	while i bloomed with flowers

**purple lilacs will be the death of me.**

Your little smiles that you send him, the way your eyes light up when he walks into the room. Your casual banter that I'd never be able to do with you, the small hand brushes when you think no one is looking. The small kisses you share when nobody is watching. The hand-holding when you both walk back home from school. The way your families know each other, and approve of you. How I wish that was me and you, but not everything revolves around my desires.

_i love you so much that it's killing me._

_i'd rather die like this than take you away from him, though._

Purple lilac petals crawl out of my throat, and they never cease. _"First love"_ is what deadly the petals mean. You're my first love, my only love, Kei. In the months I've had this disease, I've never left stage 1. I'm one of the lucky patients, but am I really that lucky when I'm the one suffering? The texture of petals in my throat, vines clinging around my lungs and veins, making it hard to breathe. More purple lilac petals escape my mouth, falling into the garbage bin below me. 

Have you ever looked at me? Like, really looked at me? I look at you, and I see everything. You're so beautiful, and kind when you want to be, and although you pretend you don't care, I know you do. You celebrate victories with a little fist pump that no one ever seems to notice. But the big victories, are the ones that hurt me the most. You smile at him, and your eyes actually twinkle. I can see the love in your eyes. You go to hug each other. Stealing a small kiss when the rest of the team isn't watching. When you break apart, you **always** stare into each others eyes. While you're staring at him, my throat is closing up. While you're staring at him, the vines by my lungs are squeezing harder. While you're staring at him, I'm staring at you, wondering why the hell I never try to change anything. While I wonder, and wonder, and wonder, it doesn't change anything- and it never will.

_i will never change anything for the fear of your happiness._

_i will never change anything so you can have yamaguchi by your side._

_i will never change anything so you can live a happy life._

**chrysanthemums are beautiful, just not when they're covered in blood.**

Coughing, I spit out a whole purple lilac this time. No longer just petals, an entire flower, minus the stem. Clawing at my throat in the bathroom, when I know I'm alone. Gasping for air as the flower pushes its way out of my mouth. When my lungs get squeezed a little harder, I know it's not long. Purple was my favorite color, because something about it reminded me of you. The color purple now haunts me, how funny is that?

I know things are going down hill when the next purple lilac is joined with blood. The taste of metal never leaves my mouth after that. The taste of blood is all I taste, all day long.

Chrysanthemum petals start showing up along with the purple lilacs. They're a soft pink at the tips, and then they grow darker. Blood covers the purple and pink, and I can't help but think that it's pretty.

The ones that are pink mean _"loyalty"._ I think it describes you perfectly. You've been loyal to him since you were kids, never leaving each other's side. You're a loyal man with a good heart, but is it wrong of me to wish you were bad? Is it wrong to wish that you weren't so loyal? Is it wrong to wish for you to be unfaithful? I know it is. Which is why I stopped wishing.

_i stopped wishing for you long ago._

_i stopped wishing when i knew you weren't mine._

_i stopped wishing for such horrible things,_

_because he can give you everything, and i barely have any time._

Chrysanthemum petals turn into full flowers, and these ones are much larger than the last. My garbage bin is now full of blood covering purple lilacs and pink chrysanthemums. The vines around my body still hug tighter, making it hard to breathe when I walk. I wish somebody could help me with this, but I know I have to work through it alone. 

I have once considered the removal surgery. I have never wanted anything less. The surgery could make me forget you, I could fail to harbor **any** feelings towards you. I can't bare the idea of you not clouding my thoughts. Even thought I suffer, I will suffer for you- because my darling, you are everything I could've ever wished for.

**white camellias aren't so white anymore.**

_"Waiting."_ that's what it means. I'm waiting for you to come find. Waiting for you to love me too. Waiting for you to hold my hands. Waiting for you to kiss me like two always do. Waiting for you whisper sweet nothings. I'm waiting for your touch. I will always wait for you, even it means that I should give up.

White camellias started coming a day after the pink chrysanthemums. The pink chrysanthemums came months after the purple tulips. 

I am in stage 2.

_i hoped i wouldn't have to wait, but not everything goes my way._

**bouquets.**

White egrets, purple tulips, pink chrysanthemums, white camellias, red camellias, and black lilies fall from my mouth.

It's been 2 weeks since I started puking white camellias. Every flower always comes covered in blood, followed by the squeezing of vines. I know the next time I cough up a new flower, I'll be done for.

_White Egrets mean delicate. Even though you act all tough, we know you're fragile. You're delicate, like a flower._

_Purple Tulips mean first love. Nobody knows, but you will be my first and last love._

_Pink Chrysanthemums mean loyalty. You're loyal to Yamaguchi, the team, your friends, and your family. You wouldn't trade them for the world._

_White Camellias mean waiting. I'm gonna miss waiting for you, even though you've never waited for me._

_Red camellias mean love. I think it's funny because you've never looked at me that way._

_Black Lilies mean cursed. Maybe I am cursed, but the world may not know as long as I should live._

I saw you give him a bouquet today. It was beautiful, and I could tell he loved it. It's kind of funny how the world played me. The last thing I saw you two do together, was gift the other what would be my demise.

**a parting gift.**

I coughed up yellow chrysanthemums today. The stems that clogged my veins had been long overgrown. The thorns that poked my lungs had been sharpened too far. I had been pushed to my final point, and nobody noticed at all.

Practice was hard today, but before I left I was sure to tell everybody that I loved them. I gave them each a hug and told them how much they meaned to me. It was peaceful, really. I whispered to you that I hoped your relationship was going well, and that you two were really cute together.

I really did love you, and I think it's ironic that my last flower meant _"goodbye"._

Sayonara, Tadashi.

Sayonara, Tobio.

Sayonara, Ryuu.

Sayonara, Yuu.

Sayonara, Daichi.

Sayonara, Koushi.

Sayonara, Asahi.

Sayonara, Hitoka.

Sayonara, Shimizu.

Sayonara, Mom: i love you so so so so so much.

Sayonara, Natsu: the best little sister in the whole world.

_**sayonara, kei. may you be happy and live to your fullest potential.** _

~~~

"Everybody, please gather around. Ukai and I have something to say." Takeda Sensei said to the volleyball team, messing around in the gym.

"Okay, but uh.. shouldn't we wait for Hinata?" Ryuu asked.

"No! No, it's um.. it's about him actually.." Their sensei said, staring at the floor while exhaling shakily.

"He- he um... he passed away last night.." 

The rest of Karasuno was in collective shock, and Kei was the only one able to talk.

"Do.. um, do they know why?" He asked, his teammates looking at him with tears in his eyes.

"It was Hanahaki Disease."

"He left us a letter as well, if you guys would like me to read it.." Takeda said, lifting his head up to look at the bawling teenagers.

"Please do." Said Koushi, wanting a final gift of closure.

Nobody ever noticed Shouyou coughing his lungs out. Nobody ever noticed the way Shouyou stared at Kei. Nobody ever noticed his thin, pale frame. Nobody ever noticed the scent of blood when he would speak. Nobody ever noticed that Shouyou even had the Hanahaki Disease.

Except for Kei, because he was starting to like Shouyou too, Tadashi was just the test run, as Kei was the test run for Tadashi too.

**Author's Note:**

> i keep getting comments about at the end when yamaguchi was "just the test run" it was mutual!! i'm gonna tag yamaughci/kageyama because they were just trying to get some experience off each other!! i'm rly sorry if that offended anyone, and i just wanted to clear it up!


End file.
